Well, it's only been since Nano since I last updated this. What can I say ~real life~ happened. Mostly the last hurrah of the worst year ever (sounds like lots of people wish 2010 would have just jumped off a cliff).
During that time I spent a lot of time thinking and wondering the usual: what I want to do with my life, what will make me happy, etc etc. And I came to a surprising conclusion - I had absolutely no idea anymore. Perhaps that was a primary source of all my ~issues~...thinking that I knew what I wanted to begin with, when I was just bitching crap.
This is related to the theme of this blog, I promise. In the course of all this I was forced to make a decision about my ~writing career~...namely that I don't care about one anymore. I spent a long time harboring the goal and the dream of becoming a published author, and now I've realized I must get rid of that as well as all my other goals and dreams. Clearly, many people would disagree with this, but the best I can do for myself right now is stop putting so much stock in "dreams" (what are those anyway, somebody plz tell me) and just live my fucking life and try not to have so many breakdowns. This in the long run means no more being frantic about not meeting my writing goals or even wondering about a future as an author. Writing is no longer a means for me to tell stories but now serve as the primary way I work out my own views and issues .
That was all a part of me telling 2010 to go fuck itself. I was completely decimated as a human being, by my own devices and via others, but I am not the type to blindly and delusionally say "I will build myself up and be stronger!!!" No, I'm the type to say "and now I just do what helps the most" with no predilection in that direction. I can only wonder how long it will last.
This blog will continue, but I will no longer make myself feel guilty for not updating it on some abstract schedule, as that is my own view towards writing in general now. INSTEAD, guys, I've spent all my writing time sending my characters through the Sims 3 again and laughing at all the quirky ideas they gave me. There is hip-hop in the future of my Nano novel, if I ever get around to writing it at all.
SO YES THIS POST. idk. Hi? First post of 2011? lol idk. Forget I said anything at all~