Write 'Em And Forget 'Em: Or, I Almost Never Re-Read My Works

I know I am not alone in this, and yet, it feels weird to talk about. As a published author I am very proud of my achievements and what I've managed to accomplish in over three months - but I have a confession. The moment I hit "Publish" on a work, I will probably never read through it again.

Why?

Heck I don't know. Call it fear.

When I flip through my book downloaded from Amazon to make sure it published in the correct format, or flip through my paperback just to say I can, I almost never let me eyes linger on the words, let alone read them. There's a lot of rationalization for this, but it mostly boils down to I don't want to make any more changes. 

From the time I hit "THE END" on a work, I will read through its entirety about ten times before it's published. This doesn't count all the smaller bits I'll read on their own, or the re-reading I do during the course of writing the first draft. (Yes, I edit as I go. GASP.) I'm also very particular about editing. Even my novelettes I've been publishing in the past month get a lot chopped from them....I believe about one-thousand words is the norm, and that's BEFORE they're sent to outside editing. Up until the last minute before I publish, I will chop off prepositional phrases, flip through a thesaurus because that word is "still not quite right", and flip back and forth between using a name or a pronoun in certain sentences. I know I'm done editing and ready to publish when, not only do I have editor and beta go-ahead, but my editing is no longer moving forward, but sideways. Thus when I flip through a story after it's been published, bought by dozens+ of people, reviewed, shared, etc, I just don't want to face the fact that maybe there's something left to change. 

As artists, we are rarely satisfied with our work. And sometimes we're afraid of what we may see.

I know most of my faults as a writer. I've been seriously writing for about 15 years now. The first novella I published was not the first book I ever wrote...certainly not even in the top 10. Maybe the top 20 of completed novels. I've done my dances of "OH EW I WROTE -THAT?-" over the years So when I re-read, it's not all about cringing and wondering how anyone in the world could possibly give it five stars...but it is a part of it. And as publishers, we're taught that once it's out in the world, it's out. Short of glaring typos and a few minor things (that may add up to big things) on a technical level, I'm a believer that once it's out, it's OUT. No more changes, no more humming, just publish it and work on the next one. Which makes it kind of awkward when I think there's a scene I might want to refresh myself on because it relates to one I am writing.

What about you, other writers? Do you ever go back and re-read your works? Does it make you cringe,even if you wrote it two months ago?

Weekly Writing Check-In: The Adventures of Victorian Governnesses!!!

Source: http://harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=202

Nothing of note going on this week that I haven't already posted about. (See: blogfest.) Also gearing up for Rachel's next Platform Building event starting around the same time. Until then, I've been downloading some "free classics" for my Kindle to read when I don't have my BDSM porn Kushiel novels on hand to read. Downloaded both of Anne Bronte's (look at me being a bad girl without the dots) books and got through about 70% of Agnes  Grey today before I had to put it down because OMG SO BORING. Then again I don't care for many stories of the era. Shocker.

But from reading 70% of Agnes Grey and gearing up for The Tenant of Wildfell Hall and knowing a thing or two about Charlotte and Emily...I feel qualified to say, "YES, THIS COMIC IS ACCURATE".

Anyway.

...

Guess I should get back to that writing, eh.

Musings of a RAGEQUIT author.

It's in my dreaaaams.

I've been having one of those months, dear readers.  You know, the kind of month where nothing is good enough and you're convinced that you're going to fail at everything and OH MY GOD WHY DO YOU EVEN TRY?? JEEZ.  Yeah, that's me.

Editing.  And reading.  Doing both at the same time. That's usually a dangerous combination, really. After years and years of being forced to set aside "pleasure" reading for what academia threw at me, I am now totally incapable of simply "enjoying" a book.  (Especially if it's you know, a horrible book, like are want to fall into my hands.)  Nope. I have to analyze it every step of the way - from style, to characterization, to how many damn lines there are in the average paragraph.  This wouldn't be too bad in the end, if it wasn't for the fact that I compare myself to the author I am reading every step of the way.

It doesn't even matter if I don't like the author's style, prose, or the way they treat their fans via what I've read on Wikipedia - no, I could thoroughly detest them, and I still become convinced that I'm still not good enough.  This is especially bad when you write fantasy, particularly serial fantasy, because there is a very concrete standard that readers expect.  Yes, you're supposed to bring "your own" to the table, but even  I expect certain things from the fantasy I read:  a grandiose atmosphere, a sense of urgency, sentences that blow me away and make me go "I want to write like that."  And yes, I do have a very distinct writing style of my own that is not always the norm.  I've assigned dashes and ellipses very solid jobs.  I've become self-conscious of my overuse of three sentence paragraphs.  I struggle to balance my copious amounts of dialogue in some instances with an adequate amount of prose. And yet it often feels all in vain when I pick up another (popular, of course) work and notice that I pretty much write nothing like them.  Is that a good thing?  Most of the time, yes, of course.  But then anxiety and self-hatred set in, and I think, "I will never be as popular as this.  My works will never touch anyone like this has.  People are going to laugh at my style."

True?  Undoubtedly, especially if my works were ever to become popular in the general writing world, let alone fantasy. Somebody will be sure to complain loudly about the way I use dashes and ellipses, somebody else will tssk at extraneous dialogue, etc etc. I'm okay with that, really.  Yet that horrible sinking feeling of "NO EVERYONE WILL DO IT HAHA" is always there and inhibits my ability to proceed with my own works.

Like I said before, I've been editing.  Since this was primarily a NaNoWriMo work, it's riddled with disastrous attempts at inflating word count - most specifically, adverbs. Adverbs everywhere.  I feel like I need bug spray to wipe them out every time I edit.  I know this is normal, every draft starts off like horrible vomit and that's the whole point of editing.  But the vanity.  The voice.  The one that says "You will never be ready! No one will ever take you seriously!" I really, really hate that voice.

Friends, teachers, many people tell me that I'm a great writer even for my faults, that I'm on the right track.  The real struggle for me is being able to believe them.  Are they serious?  Are they just inflating my ego?  Did they even read anything? WAS I SO BAD THEY SAID SOMETHING NICE? It can't be helped. This is what happens when so much of your life revolves around writing novels. I imagine it's much the same for singers playing back a recording and shuddering, for painters stepping back from the canvas at a shared gallery and finding nothing but faults in their own works.   Art is completely subjective, and that's what scares us the most.

So even though this is just one of those hurdles that I must jump over in order to fulfill my main dream in life, that doesn't mean I can't hate every minute of it. Be right back, lighting my book on fire - and then blowing out the flames while I clutch the poor draft to my chest and baaaaw  it back into precious existence. RINSE AND REPEAT. WOO.

"Seems like these days anybody can just upload their novel to the Tubes, like they're Hemingway or some crap."

Books take up space.  Viable space.  Space I could be using to store my multitude of CDs because I think they're nifty.  Also, books are made out of paper.  You know what that means?  If you're a voracious reader, you're killing a lot of trees.  As an Oregonian I am programmed to tell you that you are SICK.

But my biggest beef with books is that paperbacks are so easily ruined.  I get pretty OCD about keeping things looking new for as long as possible, and this includes my books.  Mends in the spine, dogeared covers...so gross.  People go on and on about "well loved books" being beautiful, but I want mine to look like they just walked out of Borders with a top hat and tails.  Because I paid money, that's why.

So you'd think I would be all over this E-reader stuff.  After all, I love my little electronics like my Preciouses, and think that the more things we can convert into digital the better - that means less "wasted" resources and more free space in my physical life.  (Says the woman with 300 CDs.)  And if I had an E-reader, I would name it Spock, because come on...they're so...Spocky. 

But I'm not.

When MP3 players first came out I was all up in that shiznit.  Cell phones are cool for convenience.  And yeah, I get why E-readers are so cool, because you can't use braille and we all know that the idea of John Milton trying to bask in his own glory with an E-reader would be hilarious to witness.  Plus the files are so cheap most of the time that it's almost criminal.  It makes buying the Penguin Thrift Edition of The Old Man and the Sea seem like a ripoff.  And yet I can't stand the thought.

It's all for purely selfish reasons, I assure you.  Do I want to live in the age when books become totally obsolete and everything is digital?  (I know, unlikely in my life, but humor me.)  Ever since I was a kid I was obsessed with books.  As in the actual physical aspects of them.  My love for the shape of a book was so hardcore that when I wrote my own stories, I would cut pieces of printer paper in half and handwrite on those...because then it was like a real book!  I loved going to the library and determining where my books would appear on the shelf.  I do not, however, like going to Amazon and determining where I would be on the search page.

I'm old fashioned, kids.  Books piss me off in their impracticality, but I have deeply ingrained into my subconscious that it's the ultimate form of my work.  I'll know that I'm achieving my dreams once I pull the first hardcover copy of my debut book from the box sent to me by the printer.   All those copies will then go into the trunk of the car and I will begin to loathe their existence, but damnit, I wrote a book!  I can look at my work in digital form whenever I want - all I have to do is open the original Word documents.  Actually seeing the dead trees and used ink means a lot more to me.  Those trees died for my novel.

But I'm not stupid, because obviously digital is the future and yadda yadda yadda.  Yet even when I see people reading from E-readers when at the park or on the bus, I think, "Man, would seeing somebody reading my novel on one of those things be as cool as seeing them read an actual book copy?"  I dunno.  Probably.  I guess it depends on how bored their faces look.

So what say you, readers?  E-readers.  Have one?  Want one?  Sworn them off and still using a pager to sort your life out?  As a reader have they changed the way you read?  As an author have they changed your view of your future publishing career?  Do you even know what an Amazon Kindle is?  I need to know, because I am nosy.

PS:  I am totally probably going to ask for one for my birthday.  In before anyone calls me a potential hypocrite, because I totally know.